Big Empty
by Ackradin
Summary: IrvineSquall, fluffysappy shounen ai. Irvine wants Squall to understand that not everybody has stopped loving him.


**_Disclaimer -_** I want a Squall figurine… If I owned the rights to Final Fantasy, like Square Soft/Enix do, then I would have a lovely collection of figurines, all for free, and all for me… Wouldn't that be nice? Don't you wish _you_ owned the rights to Final Fantasy? I know I do… bit I don't. Such a shame… Also, Big Empty is the name of a Stone Temple Pilots song that I love. So yeah, borrowed that too.

**_Warnings –_** Slash/Shounen ai, not very much though. Teeny weenie bits of not liking Rinoa very much. OOC? This fic may make you want to hug people...

**_A/N – _**Uumm… I felt the need for some good old shounen ai Irvine/Squall, cus they're both just so gosh darn pretty, and I love them both. And they're even prettier together, which makes me go 'squuueeeeee!' and 'awwwwww', and general melting from cuteness.**_ I have never written anything so sappy. _**Irvine POV because I love him so.

Review?

Oh yeah, aren't one shots just so much easier to write? This is inspired by a conversation I had with Evil Dearest, a long time ago.

Also, this kind of reminds me of the Duo/Heero one I wrote… blah. But happier. Heh.

**_Title – Big Empty._**

Sometimes, things just don't turn out the way you hoped they might. No matter how hard you try, or what unbelievable lengths you go to, to makes things work, nothing, and I really mean nothing, can guarantee that things will last it out for the long haul. Even if you were their Knight in shinning armor, there just comes a time when the princess gets bored with the prince coming to the rescue, in just the nick of time. There's only so many times a daring act of bravery can impress, even if it's by the one who loves you.

No matter how badly you want to be with someone else, no matter how often you tell them how badly you want to be with them, nothing you say or do can stop them from leaving when they've decided that, things just… 'aren't working out'.

And sometimes, things just… don't work out.

There's no rhyme or reason, no valid excuse, no one thing that you can point to as the catalyst of the events that led to her leaving. You can't place blame for something that, theoretically, was meant to be, if you go for all that fate stuff.

Or, wasn't meant to be, in this case.

Perhaps, maybe the old saying has some merit. If you really, really loved someone, and they wanted to fly free, then let them go, watch them fly away. And, if that someone really, really loves you back, then maybe they'll fly straight back home into your arms.

Maybe.

Of course, we all know she's not coming back. We don't say it, but we know it.

I guess the flipside of that saying is that, if you let something go, that you really, really love, what do you do when they don't come back? Sigh in resignation, knowing that it, 'just wasn't meant to be'? Wait in desperate hope, just in case they, by some miracle decide to return? Or do you shut down and, as if by the flick of a switch, all those emotions are gone?

Everything that we all worked so hard to wring out of him, the expressions, the small but sincere conversations, his very life force, gone.

I suppose in hindsight, we are partially to blame. We did work our bloody hardest to get them together after all, but only because we love him. Only because we wanted to see some life spark up in him, maybe see him smile, and we'd hoped – rightly so, in some ways- that maybe, maybe she could do that.

But what thou give-ith, thou take-ith away just as quickly. And she took more than she and a right to.

Ever since she left, Squall has been… well, I honestly suppose I can't really say, considering I didn't have any contact with Squally-boy before the whole sorceress mess began – of course, she was at the center of it all- but, he's even more anti-social now, than he was before he met her.

And that's saying a hell of a lot, yanno?

It's really depressing, when you care about a person so much it's painful, but they're so devastated and heartbroken, that they just can't understand that while, just because one person stopped caring, doesn't mean everyone else stopped too.

And I'm sitting here with him, and all he does is stare blankly. And that hurts too, because it's like he doesn't even want to be able to see me, like somehow, I've done something wrong as well. Maybe I have, I don't know. Maybe he thinks that I, that we all should have seen it coming, and some how, he could have avoided feeling all this pain that I know he wishes would just disappear, like he wishes he could. Maybe he wants to be able to blame someone, other than himself. I don't understand how he could do that, blame himself, it was her choice in the end and he could not have changed her mind, even if he knew how.

Yes, be amazed. There is such a thing as a situation that Squall Leonhart can't handle. And that's the situation of the heart, which happens to be a very delicate situation indeed.

Yawning, I stretch my arms out as far as I can, until I hear a satisfying pop, and lay down onto the soft grass. My arms folded behind my head, my hat pulled down to shade my eyes, I … observe him.

It's an all right kind of day I suppose. Weather is fairly nice, and the Garden is back in Balamb, where it belongs, so there's some lovely landscape to be seen on a day free from studying. So, I decided to drag Squally-boy out into the world of blinding daylight for a while – he was becoming much more pale than what I regard as healthy. Of course, he silently protested at first, but my famous charm, and puppy-dog pleading eyes finally won him over.

Sort of.

Well, a little bit.

Okay, so I threatened to dye his hair pink while he slept, and force it into permanent pigtails with superglue if he didn't come outside with me.

I know, I know. My powers of persuasion astound even me.

We're sitting under a lovely, huge oak that has impressive branches reaching out, providing plenty of shade.

Wouldn't want our Commander to get burnt now would we?

But all he does is sit there. Knees drawn tightly up to his chest, chin resting on his arms, which were folded over his knees. And he stares. Straight out at the ocean. I swear he doesn't blink. And out of the corner of my eye, I watch him, and I… I understand what it's like to be as heart broken as he is.

Because every time I see him like this, I feel my heart shatter. It's just so painful watching someone I care about so completely and honestly, experience such a feeling of misery. Knowing there's nothing I can do just makes it a million times worse, because I would give anything to get him to talk to us in that shy, endearing way again, to get back the real Squall. And it makes me hate her so much, because I can't understand how she could just leave him like this, when he had given himself over to her so completely, with such love, and she threw it all away like it meant nothing.

Like everything he had ever done for her, meant nothing.

I don't think she ever really loved him. Not like how he loved her, how he needed her. Never to the same degree. And the ones that truly love him, that will always love him, are left to try and salvage what is left of his miserable heart, and he just can't see that these are the people that he can always rely on to be there. We are the people that will love him no matter what.

I will love him, no matter what.

And I wish I could tell him that, I really do. But I honestly don't think he could handle a love confession right now, of any kind. His heart is too tender, too abused. He would never believe it, no matter how sincere I may be.

So instead of saying it, I try to show it. I want him to know, somehow, that this sharpshooter is never going to abandon him. I've been separated from him, all of them, for way too long, and I regret that, but it couldn't have been helped. I'm here now, and I want him to realize that. That's why I decided to transfer to Balamb Garden, and that's why I'm sitting in his silent company, as he stares out to sea.

Frustrated with the stuffy silence, I sit up and dust at my cloak. Glancing at him periodically as I brush at imaginary dirt, I frown as I can see that his face still hasn't changed from its blank expression, except…

" Hey Squally-boy, nice tanning skills."

Slowly, he blinks – finally- and turns to stare at me with not-quite-empty eyes. He doesn't really need to say anything; I know that he is questioning the reason behind my words.

Grinning, I scoot over, closing the small distance between us – cleanliness of my coat forgotten- and kneel in front of him. My grin grows wider as I can see the lovely pink tinge to his cheeks, not from embarrassment mind you. My grin quickly turns into a playful smirk. Taking off my black cowboy hat and dusting it to a respectable state of dirt-free-ness, I place if firmly onto his head and pull it down tightly over his messy brown hair, so that half his face is covered.

I have enough wits to not laugh, even though the sight of my hat engulfing his head is extremely funny, not to mention really cute. Sometimes I forget just how little he is, but I suppose that's a good thing, as I'm sure that it's not something that Squall would like to be reminded of.

Smirk under control, I pat the hat down onto his head as far as I can, and tell him. " Better keep this on, you're getting burnt."

With a quiet grumble, he pulls my hat off his head and glares at me. Which of course, has no effect on me normally anyway, but I couldn't help but laugh at how silly he looked, glaring at me with his cheeks rosy pink. I imagined him with that pink hair and permanent pigtails I threatened him with, and snorted.

His eyes twitched slightly, and I grinned sheepishly. " Mental image, don't worry." His eyes narrowed suspiciously and he mumbled quietly,

" You are not dying my hair pink…"

I definitely couldn't suppress a grin at that. Hey, any talking from Squall is a breakthrough, even if it is an almost threat. Right now I'm willing to take anything he's willing to offer.

Carefully, and in a non-threatening manner, I take my hat out of his hands and place it back on his head, gently this time, adjusting it so that it sits properly.

" Much better."

I know he wants to take it off, but he resists the urge –most likely for the sake of not getting horrifically sun burnt. Instead, he stares blankly, and I know that means he wants to be left alone. I've had months to figure out 'Squall talk', I should know. But I'm pretty sure he knows that I won't leave, because I never have before. Sometimes that's caused a fight between us, but this time, like most times, it seems he's willing to grudgingly let me invade his personal space.

Makes me feel kind of bad actually. I mean, maybe I _should_ give him some personal room, to do some personal breathing. But one look at his face, one glace at his misery, and I know I can't. How could anyone ever want to leave him?

So, I sit down beside him, reasonably close, but not too close. Folding my legs underneath myself, and resting my elbows on my knees to cradle my face in my hands, I stare out at sea.

Maybe I'll see what Squall is looking for out there.

He shifts beside me, and I turn my head in my hands to face him, quirking an eyebrow. He's watching me, shining blue eyes looking up from beneath the rim of my hat. He just looks so small, I just… I want to hug him. I want him to know that there are still people who care about him. That I care about him.

I became so caught up in just, looking at him, that I was more than a little surprised when words actually came out of his solemn mouth.

" Why do you bother?"

Blinking, I sat up straight and looked at him quizzically. Flicking my ponytail over my shoulder, I replied intelligently,

" Bother with what, Squall?"

He purses his lips slightly before he replies, as if he's not quite sure that he can say the words, but they want to escape regardless. When he finally does speak, his eyes go down cast.

" With me."

I smile and lean in closer to him, and bump my shoulder against his playfully as I say,

" You make it sound like it's some sort of huge effort, Darlin'." I watch him go to answer, but before he can retort I cut him off. " It's not."

He closes his mouth, his teeth clanking against each other, and he grits them lightly. Jaw clenched, he turns to look out at the ocean again. I know he wants to say that it is, that dealing with him is clearly too much trouble and that I shouldn't bother, that nobody should. He thinks he's not worth it.

I beg to differ.

Smiling sadly, I try to make him understand. " Because I care about you. Because you're my friend Squall, and I absolutely hate seeing you like this. Because I want you to be happy again, and to see you smile. Because I'm afraid that a part of you, a beautiful, incredible part of you is dying, and that once it's gone, it can't be salvaged. Because I want you to see that the people that love you, are right here with you."

Pausing in my sudden little speech, I turn my gaze back to the ocean, and sighing, I utter quietly, " That I'm right here with you…"

Squall's beautiful blue eyes remain downcast, and I'm afraid that I've said too much, or that he just won't care. For a long moment he sits there, no longer staring at the crystal ocean, but at his gloved hands that are still folded on top of his knees. After what felt like an incredibly intense pause, he quietly whispers,

" Thank you." He voice seems slightly choked, it seems he wasn't expecting anything like that. Did he really think that we didn't care? No, I'm sure it was just all his uncertainty, he didn't want to expect anything, only to be let down again.

Well, we can't have that.

Pushing myself up against the trunk of the tree with a push of my legs, I smile warmly at him as he watches me in curiosity. I hold a hand out for him.

" Come here Squally-boy." His eyebrows knit in confusion but after a moment or two of contemplation, he takes my hand. I pull him close to me, which startles him slightly, and I can't help but grin at catching him off guard. " Turn around Darlin'." While still under the influence of confusion, he complies and turns around on his knees.

He is more than surprised when I reach my arms around his waist, and pull him up close to me, his back pressed up against my chest, my chin eating my hat. Grinning, I take my hat off his messy head of hair, and place it back on my own golden locks. " Don't need that now you're under the shade."

I can feel that he's tense. He hasn't experienced such close physical contact in a long while. All the more reason why he needs this.

Tilting my face to the side, I rested my cheek against his head, and hugged him tightly.

" Kinneas…" He said with a scowl to his voice. I grinned again.

" Mmhmm?"

" Is this really necessary?"

Most certainly.

Absolutely.

So what if it's also a bit of a guilty pleasure?

I tighten my grip around his waist as my answer. I hear him sigh, and I know it's in resignation. After a moment or two, he finally begins to relax. After all, what's so scary about me? Finally, the tension in his posture melts away, and it melts my heart into a gooey mess. I just want to cling to him, to never let him go. I know it's wrong, but I feel like he's mine, mine to protect, mine to hold. And I just… don't want to let him go.

So I pull him closer to me, holding him tighter. I don't care if he never knows just how much I care about him, as long as I get to hold him like this, to be there for him.

He pulls his knees up, and he sits there. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what to do with himself, but as long as he's comfortable, I don't mind.

After a time, I shift slightly, and rest my chin on his shoulder, loosening my hold around his waist slightly. He turns his face slightly towards mine, like he's expecting me to say something. Maybe I should, I don't know.

All I know is that, this is the most open, the most alive he's been in a very long time, and I don't want to break this moment for him, I don't want to ruin it.

But Hyne, look how close he is. Guilty pleasure indeed.

His arms are resting over his knees, and he certainly seems comfortable now. But he's waiting. He's waiting for me to say something, and I just don't know what to say, or how to say it.

So I show him.

I nuzzle his face gently, lovingly, and ever so softly, I place a feather light kiss on his pink tinged cheek. As I pull away, I can feel his body tense up again.

He's shocked, that much is clear, and I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake, that I've gone and made things worse. Actions speak louder than words they say, but the lack of words can give you just a clear a message. I cringe, ready to blurt out any number of apologies and excuses, but then he breathes out deeply, and I hold my tongue.

His body begins to become less tense, but he still hasn't moved.

He's staring out at the ocean again.

I don't think he'll ever find what he's looking for. Maybe he knows that too.

Daring to break the uneasy silence, I ask quietly,

" Can you see what you're looking for?"

He doesn't reply, and I'm left to worry and brood over my stupid mistake, though I'm still unwilling to let him go despite it. Burying my face into his shoulder, I hold him tight again. Then came his reply, his voice more confident that it had been.

" Maybe I was looking in the wrong place."

I'm not quite sure what he means by that, but he doesn't seem to be upset, so I don't really care. I'm just happy that he'll continue to let me hold him. And as he places his hands over mine, I feel warm all over, and I grin into his shoulder. With one hand he reaches behind him and grabs my black hat off my head, and I have horrible hat hair, but I couldn't care-a-less. He leans into me, and all tension is gone.

Cowboy hat placed firmly on his head, Squall allows me to hold him, and I swear, I can almost feel the life flowing back into him. I can feel that beautiful, incredible part of him, coming back to life.

Owari


End file.
